Don’t watch the G.I. Joe movie

I watched about the first half of the new G.I. Joe movie last night (through some methodology which I don’t care to elaborate upon, but let’s just say it wasn’t at the movie theater), and WOW was it bad. I mean, I’m all about the two-hours-of-shit-blowing-up popcorn movies, but G.I. Joe was just an insult to your intelligence.

First of all, to say there was absolutely no semblance of development of a coherent plot would imply that there was a coherent plot in the first place. There was no plot whatsoever, you basically just went from scene to scene waiting for something new to blow up or hoping to see Sienna Miller (more on that in a second) in her uber-tight black body suit.

Next: could there be a less charismatic of a lead actor than Channing Tatum ? If you’re suffering from insomnia, watching Tatum sleepwalk through playing the character of “Duke” is your cure. I’ve seen burnt toast with more personality. Tatum’s character had the emotional versatility of Stephen Hawking. And Marlon Wayans as Ripcord – they wanted his character to be “more serious” than his usual roles (in epic films like “Scary Movie” and “White Chicks”), but you just keep seeing the stereotypical comical-black-guy from him.

The ONLY redeeming value the movie had was Sienna Miller looking fantastic in the aforementioned body-suits with the wonderfully low neckline — leaving little to the imagination and pushing her boobs up to her chin — which she wore in nearly every scene she was in (thank you, producers).

Otherwise this film made Transformers 2 – another two-hour-explosion-shit-show – look like Citizen Kane.

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